masturbating in a pandemic

FOR REFERENCE: this is a blog post I wrote at the start of the pandemic, when the nation was being locked down and lied to for the first time (the don’t wear masks era). I read it yesterday and thought as we are moving back in to lockdowns, now is as good as any of a time to share it again. May your hands be strong and your lube slippery…

This Monday started off a bit different for many. My usual coffee and breathwork was followed by a quick browse of social media that reminded me, we are in a pandemic. I climbed back in bed, slung my leg over my partner and continued to scroll through social media, while he gently massaged my yoni, playing with my growing bush. No one gets waxed in a pandemic.

Lying there, pussy being loved on and reading isolation post after post, I started thinking: I sure hope these people are getting their genitals loved on. We all deserve some loving genital touch during what could be a stressful time, and not in the foreplay way either. This is the time for divine rest and love for love’s sake. No obligation to do, perform or work… just love. However, with dating apps seeming more and more like a petri dish, polycules on temporary separation orders and self-imposed quarantines, a lot of this loving is going to have to come from yourself.

If you don’t already have a self-love practice in place, your favorite Tantric Sex Coach is here to help.

Time

For the first time in a long time, many of us don’t have to be concerned with TIME. You have nowhere to go, so whatever wants to pop up right now is not urgent, and you can get to it after you love on yourself. Turn off your notifications. We are moving into a state of distress and developing a strange type of FOMO, but no new announcement that will be made about COVID will change your reality in the next few hours. Put your phone into DND and set a timer. I recommend an hour minimum; even if you don’t use the whole hour, you can stop thinking about time when you are masturbating because no matter how long it feels , you know it hasn’t been an hour until the timer goes off.

For those of you who are reading this thinking “I only need 15 minutes,” slow the fuck down. You deserve an entire day, you have only been allowing yourself 15 minutes. You give 8+ hours to other efforts without batting an eye; you can give your pleasure one of them.

Tools

It’s time to get out your masturbation tool-kit. What’s that?? You don’t have a masturbation tool-kit!? My good lover, it is 2020… let’s pull it together. Here are some things that should be in the solo-heaux bag:

· Smudge

Whether you use tobacco, sage, palo santo, yerba santa, sweetgrass or resin, cleanse your space. If you are using a more masculine energied smudge, remember to bring balance back with a more feminine incense or resins. Rose will work great here.

· Candles

Let’s set the mood. Treat yourself like a Johnny Gill love song and dim the lights. Find some with scents that speak to your sacral chakra. Candles with neroli, patchouli, rose or ylang ylang are great options!

· Bath essentials

Yup, get those bath bombs, sugar scrubs, exfoliating gloves and shower oils out. You want to prepare your body like this is the last booty call of your life with the lover of your dreams. Anoint yourself, cleanse your temple and prepare for church!

· Extra pillows

All of those extra pillows on your bed could come in handy now. They are going to be used as props, much like they would in zen yoga, to make your love space as comfortable a possible. Your comfort is more important than anything else in this practice.

· Small Crockpot w/washcloths

Yeah, crockpots are my favorite sex toys. Roll up a few moistened washcloths, put them in the crockpot plugged in next to your bed and set it on low.

· Shea Butter

Get the thick, unprocessed one. It takes longer to rub in and this is important.

· Love Mat (or bath towels)

You don’t want to be concerned with making a mess, so be prepared. Having a waterproof mat or at the very least some thick bath towels under you take the worry about messing up the mattress, which will put your inner Virgo at ease.

· Lube

Since there are no prophylaxis to worry about, oil-based lube is perfect here. Coconut oil is great if you don’t have any reaction to it, although I really love silicone-based lube for longevity.

· Mix tape (or a good playlist)

A playlist that speaks to love, sensuality and happiness is what we are going for here. More Toni, Tony, Toné, less Toni Braxton. You don’t need to hear another sad love song when you are mid-orgasm. Oh, and that song about your ex? Don’t add it.

Steps

Now that we have everything within an arms-reach, let’s touch ourselves. After your luxurious bathing ceremony, get nestled into your bed, pillows under every part of you that needs support, bath towel strategically placed under your hips. After allowing the shea butter to warm in your hands, slowly begin to massage your entire body, spending a minute or more with each body part. Allow the butter to be completely absorbed into your feet before moving up into your shins and so on. You might find yourself lightly grazing the genitals in passing, but this is no time to butter them up. Not yet.

Once you have loved on all reacheable parts, slowly start to pay attention to your lips and mouth. Gently rub your fingers along the lines of your lips, caressing them as if they were gentle flowers, dipping fingers gently inside and licking them.

Next you will slide the moistened hand down towards your genitals, and with the same pressure you just applied to your lips, gently caress, stroke and love on your genitals. Smile down into your hands, into your perineum and into your yoni/lingham. Stroke up, bringing energy from your root chakra into your heart, allowing each stroke to get bigger. There is no goal here other than pleasure, so just do what feels good.

Grab the lube, pour it liberally onto your genitals and explore! Play with each part in ways that are familiar or completely new. Don’t think about “cumming” and don’t think about not “cumming,” just exist in the moment and let whatever is, be. Slow down your breathing, quiet your mind and enjoy yourself.

If you make a large mess, yay! You are lying on a bath towel. If you don’t make a mess, yay! You really enjoyed yourself. That felt amazing. Reach into the crockpot, shake out a warm washcloth and begin to clean the excess lube off your yoni/lingham, and wipe extra oil off your body. Rest your right hand on your sacred spots, left hand over your heart chakra and drift away until the alarm sounds…